


couldn't utter my love when it counted

by coldwinterrose



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst with a Happy Ending, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Fix-It, Love Confessions, M/M, Minor Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Pining, more of a mention than anything but its still implied
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-05-05
Packaged: 2020-02-26 20:10:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18724102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coldwinterrose/pseuds/coldwinterrose
Summary: Bucky Barnes loved Steve Rogers. That was just a fact of his life. Only, he couldn't ever seemed to say it to Steve, not when he really needed to.Or: the five times Bucky told Steve he loved him without actually saying the words (and the one time Steve did).





	couldn't utter my love when it counted

**Author's Note:**

> Here's yet another Endgame fix-it! I think this might be the last fix-it fic I write, since I've finally come to terms with my feelings over That Scene, and how it no longer exists in my mind. 
> 
> Any dialogue you recognize comes from the various Captain America movies, and I make no claim on them. I just felt it was important to include the lines, but I tried to make the scenes my own as well, if that makes sense? 
> 
> The title comes from the Hozier song _Shrike_ , which I got from a very nifty generator, and acted as a prompt of sorts for this fic.

Bucky was well aware of the reputation he’d had in the neighborhood growing up. He was both the golden boy, an example every mother pointed out to their son and said _now why can’t you be more like that Barnes kid_ ; and the suave gentleman, able to have any woman he set his sights on with just a glance and a few sweet words.

Except when it came to Steve.

There was, of course, the the fact that even _thinking_ about it could land him in jail, and that’s if he was lucky. That fact didn’t matter to him though, he knew how to be very discreet when he needed to be. He also knew Steve’s opinion of Bucky wouldn’t change, even if he didn’t return Bucky’s feelings, given the crowd he surrounded himself with at that art school he went to. 

Even knowing that, no matter how much he wanted to just tell Steve how much he loved him, the words always froze in his throat.

 

* * *

 

“James, where’s Steven? Have you seen him?” His father glanced around, as if Steve would just appear in front of them by asking.

“No, pops, sorry. He seemed to vanish as soon as the priest was finished with the Mass.”

“Well, that’s a shame. I was hoping to give him a ride to the cemetery.”

“I think this is something he needs to do on his own. I’ll let him know when I see him though, he’d appreciate the thought.”

“In that case, we’re going to head home,” Bucky’s mom said with a small smile. “Please let Steve know if he needs anything, our door is open.”

“I will, ma.”

“Good boy,” she said with a pat on his cheek. “Oh, before you go don’t forget—”

“I know, thread for Becca’s dress. Don’t worry ma, I won’t forget.”

She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. “See you tonight, dear.”

Bucky waved his parents off, and started walking in the direction of the tenement building where Steve had lived with his mom. He would have gone to the cemetery, but since Steve had taken off without saying anything to him he wanted to respect Steve’s space and give him time to mourn on his own.

He waited maybe an hour before a dejected and clearly exhausted Steve appeared, looking shocked to see Bucky sitting there on the steps waiting for him. “Hey, Buck.”

“Hey,” he said as he stood and moved out of the way to let Steve make his way up, following behind him.

Seeing how lost Steve seemed to be, he made an impromptu offer to let Steve stay with him and his folks. After all, his ma _did_ say their door was open to Steve at any time.

“I can get by on my own, Buck.”

“I know, but you don’t have to. I’m with you ‘til the end of the line pal.”

Steve blinked, looking at at him for a second with an expression Bucky wasn’t sure how to read, and Bucky wanted to damn near bite his tongue off. Of all the times to say something like _that_ , something so close to _I love you_ , now was so clearly the worst time. Not when Steve had just buried his mother.

“Okay, fine. I guess staying with you is _slightly_ better than being alone right now. Let me grab a change of clothes first?”

“Sure, do you want any help,” he asked, and it took everything in Bucky not to let the relief that he hadn’t run Steve off with that obvious declaration of love. 

Steve shook his head. “No, that’s fine. Come on in, have a glass of water while you wait.”

Bucky followed Steve in, grateful that, whatever Steve thought he heard when Bucky said that, it didn’t make him push Bucky away.

 

* * *

 

There were times Bucky wondered how Steve managed to stay alive, much less out of jail. 

This day had been one of those days, and he’d only been back in New York for a few hours. 

He’d arrived at the theater he was supposed to meet Steve at, only to be informed Steve had been kicked out along with another patron when the two men had gotten into an argument. 

He wasn’t even shocked to see Steve getting his ass kicked by a guy almost twice his size. Just another day in the life of being Steve Rogers’ best friend. 

But seeing him off in the distance, staring longingly at the recruitment station at the World’s Fair? That nearly made his heart stop. This was the Army, and the Army took trying to enlist with false information very seriously. He’d heard rumors during boot camp, about boys trying to lie about their age, or trying to get around the rules to enlist. It hadn’t ended well for them.

Or, even worse in Bucky’s mind, Steve’s harebrained plan could work, and they’d actually take him. Steve, for all his guts and bravery, wouldn’t be able to survive boot camp, much less the horrors of war.

Not even the girls Bucky had found or the wonders of the World’s Fair could distract him, apparently. 

“Ladies, if you’ll give me just one moment?”

They both nodded, still too distracted with the wonders of a flying car to care about much else.

Honestly, he should have predicted the argument that had followed, but he lived in perpetual hope Steve would see sense at least once in his life.

Unfortunately though, his and Steve’s dates were getting more than a little impatient. 

He started to walk away, or else he’d never force himself to leave. “Don’t do anything stupid ‘til I get back.” It wasn’t what he’d really wanted to say, but still got the point across.

“How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you.”

And wasn’t that just like Steve. He shook his head and gave in to the urge to give him a hug. “You’re a punk.”

“Jerk.”

 

* * *

 

“No! Not without you!”

That was all Bucky could focus on in that moment. Sure, he was in a exploding building that was burning up around him, and he’d just been tortured for God knows how long. But Steve was on the other side of a walkway which had just collapsed and _he was not leaving without him_. 

Steve started looking around for some way, any way to get across, but it was clear there wasn’t one. Then Steve got _that_ look, the look he always got before doing something insanely stupid, and started backing away as if to prepare to jump.

Before Bucky could yell, before he could even get a word out, Steve ran and lept from the side. 

Bucky had been so sure there was no way for anyone to make that jump, but somehow Steve cleared it easily. He didn’t even seem to be out of breath. He grabbed on to Bucky’s arm and started to pull him forward. “Come on, I don’t know how much longer we have until the place collapses.”

Bucky shook himself from his stunned stupor and ran, barely keeping pace with Steve. 

Whatever the army had done to Steve, it was clear he was far healthier and stronger than he’d been when Bucky had left him in Brooklyn. His Steve wouldn’t have lasted two seconds in this smoke filled building, much less cleared a jump no human should have been able to clear.

Once they’d gotten outside and the last of the Hydra soldiers were taken care of, Bucky got the full story of Steve’s _heroic_ rescue. Or, as Bucky liked to call it, insane fucking stupidity.

He’d waited until they were safely back at camp and alone in the tent that had been designated for Steve to unleash the rant that had been threatening to claw its way out of his throat out.

“What in the hell were you thinking?!”

Steve, acting for all the world like he didn’t understand why Bucky was mad, just sat down to untie his boots, seemingly unconcerned with Bucky’s anger. “That there was no plan to get you guys out. That I had to try to do something, I couldn’t just sit by, twiddling my thumbs.”

“So that something was to sneak behind enemy lines, _alone_ , and take on an entire stronghold? Do you understand how lucky you are to be alive right now?”

“It was that or leave you there until the war was over. That was the plan they were going with, and I refused to accept that, Buck. Not when there was a chance I could save you. Save the entire 107th.”

“Steve. You could have _died_.”

“And you would have if I hadn’t,” Steve practically yelled, surging up from the cot with the force of his anger.

They both just stood there, staring at each other. It took everything in Bucky not to grab him, shake him, demand he go back home right now.

He knew it was too late.

He also knew, wherever Steve was going, he’d be right there beside him.

 

* * *

 

Bucky listened as he sat and nursed his drink in a side alcove of the bar, laughing to himself as he heard the extremely predictable reactions to Steve’s proposal to jump back into the fight. 

They were all ready and willing, not caring about the danger. He envied them and their enthusiasm. 

“I told you, they’re all idiots,” he snarked as he took another drink.

“How about you,” Steve asked. “You ready to follow _Captain America_ into the jaws of death?’’

“Hell no.” And god, that was the truth. After everything, he just wanted to go home, be with his family, to _rest_. But, he knew, if he did, he’d regret it for the rest of his life. “That little guy from Brooklyn, who was too dumb not to run from a fight,” he said with a small smile before looking up at Steve. “I’m following him.”

They looked at each other, falling into each other’s eye for what felt like an eternity. But before he could do something dumb like kiss Steve, or confess his undying love, he took another sip of his drink and cracked a joke about that honestly ridiculous outfit that Steve still somehow managed to look good in to break the tension.

His newly minted teammates might be idiots, but he was the biggest idiot of them all.

 

* * *

 

It was over. All the pain, the war, the fighting, it was finally over.

What had been five years for the rest of the world had been a blink to Bucky, but so much had happened. Steve and his team had beaten back the mad creature set on destroying the universe. 

All that was left was to return the Infinity Stones, as they were apparently called, back to the times Steve and his team had taken them from.

And, as Steve came to hug him goodbye, he knew. Steve wasn’t coming back. At least, not in the way the others thought. 

“Don’t do anything stupid until I get back,” Steve said. An echo of the words Bucky barely remembers saying to Steve, so long ago. Words he’d said because he’d been too scared to say how he’d really felt.

But now, here, at this moment, he could. Only, that fear was still there. He was scared to ask Steve to chose him, because he was afraid the answer would be no.

“How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you,” he’d echoed back instead. 

Steve gave him one last smile, then stepped on to the platform and blinked away.

He turned to walk away before Bruce could start the countdown for Steve’s return. He didn’t need to stay and see what he already knew would happen.

He got to the driveway and started to pick his helmet on when he heard the sounds of someone running behind him. He assumed it was Sam wondering where he was going. He didn’t stop, not ready to speak to anyone yet. But, when the last voice he expected to hear called his name, he froze.

“Buck, wait, where are you going,” Steve sounded almost out of breath as he caught up with Bucky.

“Steve? What? I— I thought…”

“Thought what, Buck?”

Bucky placed his helmet back on the saddle and looked down. “That you would stay in the past. With Peggy.”

Steve walked up to Bucky, cupping his cheek and gently lifting his head so he could look at him. “Buck. No. What made you think that?”

“You love her, Steve. Don’t deny it, we both know it’s true.”

Steve sighed. “I’m not going to deny it, Bucky. Of course I love Peggy. But our story ended a long time ago.”

“You could have gone back. You could have been happy with her.”

“Bucky,” Steve sighed again. “What makes you think I’m not happy now? With you?”

“What?” He couldn’t be saying what Bucky thought he was saying. There was no way he was that lucky.

“I love you, Buck. I’d— I’d hope to tell you a little more smoothly than that, but—”

Before Steve could utter another word, Bucky leaned up and kissed him. He poured everything, all the love and emotion he’d felt since he knew what it meant to love another person, but had always been too scared to say. 

It took a second for Steve to get with the program, but once he did, he blew Bucky away with how amazing of a kisser he was. It took all of Bucky’s self restraint to pull away and not take it even further, which given their very public location would have been a bad idea.

“For the record, I love you too. Have since 1930. I just couldn’t ever get the nerve up to tell you.”

That seemed to shock Steve. “Wait, seriously? But... you always had a girl—”

“I— I’d hope that I could make the feelings go away if I could find someone else. But it never worked.”

“Is it selfish of me to be glad for that?”

Bucky let out a laugh and pressed his lips back to Steve’s in response. “If it is, then I’m selfish as well. I’m glad you came back Steve.”

“Me too. Now come on, I think Pepper has some lunch ready for us. And I don’t know about you, but it’s been a _long_ day and I’m starving.”

Bucky rolled his eyes with a laugh as Steve took his hand and dragged them back to the cabin. “I love you, Steve.”

“Love you too, Buck.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to [Pineau_noir](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pineau_noir) for encouraging me with going with the happier ending! I was thisclose to going with a canon compliant ending, but it wouldn't have felt right to me, so thank you! Also to [mortenavida](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mortenavida) for talking me through a tricky to write scene! I really appreciate all your help <3
> 
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
